When you feel like you are falling apart try this!
This is a topic that is close to my heart and it is also a practice that I took a LONG time to accept and to…. well … put into practice. Nowadays though, it is almost automatic and not just, it CHANGES my life everytime. Whenever you feel like you are falling apart just try this, for whatever reasons, for everytime that you don’t know where to turn to because all the doors seem closed. Try this.
When everything is dark and feels painful. You can try this.
Every time that you feel alone… completely and you just want to cry and wish someone would hold you and love you. You can try this.
But first, what I’d like to say is that during those times what you need the most is to be acknowledged and to be loved, the only thing though is that you need this from you and no one else.
Stay with me on this, I also know that when we are falling apart the last thing we want is to hear that we need to feel acknowledged and love from ourselves. I get it, I know it because I’ve resisted knowing this too.
the moment you can gift yourself that intense presence, the moment you can gift yourself total acceptance for what you are feeling and the moment you can be kind and gentle with yourself for feeling all that you are feeling IS the moment your life will start changing.
It is during those times of intense emotional turmoil that we find great opportunity for healing.
For a long time, I resisted and fought those feelings of pain and despair. I used to escape them by numbing myself, aka over drinking, smoking, binge eating or by falling into bouts of depression. The problem was that with that approach, the feelings would still be there, and if they left, it was only for short periods of time after which they would resurface, and again would start the cycle of self loathing, self-abuse, and despair.
Then another issue started to occur, these bouts of falling apart started increasing AND they were shorter apart. My life felt like a roller coaster.
I never knew how long until the next ‘crisis’ nor how long they would go for and I came to dread them because I KNEW that even if I felt ok in this moment, that it was only a matter of time before something triggered me and before I fell apart again.
At one point it all became too overwhelming, it was getting increasingly painful and I was getting more and more tired, very tired of constantly falling apart. And it is during that time of great emotional pain, of hours of crying, of total confusion and despair that I came to the realisation that the way I was dealing with my self, was just not working and that I had to find another way!
The pain had become unbearable and I thought, ‘I can’t do this anymore, it has to change’. And change it did.
What I learnt was a new way of coping and it has changed my life, completely.
I swapped self hate for self compassion.
But how exactly do you do this?
This process of healing requires a commitment to help YOU especially when all hell breaks loose but know that even when you’ve fallen off the horse (as happens), you’ll need to pick yourself up and continue to practice self compassion, as you become more and more willing to feel better.
You practice self compassion again and again
You practice self compassion every single day
You practice it ESPECIALLY when it’s hard and when you don’t want to
Most importantly, you practice self compassion by giving yourself permission to hurt and to be ok with that
Self compassion is not something that you master overnight especially if you are a person who has a tendency to fall apart. We tend to do this because we are so harsh with ourselves, because our inner critic is harsh. However it IS something that with time and patience you can integrate to a point where it becomes more natural to be self compassionate.
The one thing I use when all hell breaks loose, is apology… and by that I mean that I apologise to ME not to anyone else because in the end, I am the one hurting me.
I apologise to me
For hurting me
For not knowing better
For feeling however I am feeling in that moment, sad, bad… whatever it may be
I truly apologise for the hurt I am inflicting on me because let’s be honest here, no one is responsible for how I feel, I am.
I started saying sorry to ME because I didn’t know what else to do. It was because there was nothing else to do when I had tried blaming myself, blaming others, numbing myself, ignoring myself… nothing worked and worse. I felt like I had no one else to turn to, like there was only ME to turn to because how could I receive anyone else when I was not even wanting to be with me?
This realisation was my wake up call! How was it that I didn’t even want me? That I did everything to NOT be present with me? And how much more pain and suffering did I have to put myself through before I would be really willing to have my own back?
I apologised to ME for all the times I felt I did not want to BE with me.
I apologised to ME everytime I felt I was hating on me.
It occured to me that maybe it was my OWN self loathing, my own lack of compassion towards me that was the source of my falling apart? Have you ever wondered that for yourself?
Giving yourself an apology might sound weird but it works!
Because, when we say sorry, ultimately, we let go, we release our resistance to whatever is happening, we are no longer fighting, we are no longer resisting.
Because the only apology we ever need is our own
Saying sorry doesn’t make you weak!
But what it does is, show YOU that you love you! And tthat you love you enough to say sorry for hurting you and that you matter to the most important person of your life… your self.
Saying sorry requires great courage and strenght and a willingness to receive more, more from you and more from others. And that is why it is SO hard to do.
When you are angry, at someone, say sorry to yourself, like you mean it. Apologise like you would if you had gotten angry at a person you adore EVEN when it feels impossible.Because you are really saying sorry to YOU because it is your thoughts that are hurting YOU.
When you are sad, say sorry to yourself.
When you are afraid, apologise to yourself.
Self hate, self laothing, won’t work, even wose, it will keep you in a state of suffering and will make everything worse.
On the other hand, giving yourself an apology will not only make you feel better but it will transform your world.
Next time you are falling apart, there is no need to resist, you are feeling however you are feeling for whatever reasons and that is ALL ok.
It is ok to feel and it is ok also to love your self in times where you are hurting… most especially during those times.